Hodor

I’m a complete and utter Spaz.

Yesterday was a long day for me. I had a early call with a client so was up 1.5 hours earlier than normal and made it into the office extra early. I then had a meeting go late after work, and then we had a company baseball game. I didn’t know if I could bring in my laptop to the stadium (for future reference that is a yes), so left it in the office with the plan of retrieving it. I was good at the game, not drinking much, and so by the time the game ended I was pretty much sober again. But as the game ended some co-workers planned to meet up at another bar. It sounded fun, so I said I’d Uber there after I got my bag.

I walked to the office and used the key to enter the side building, making sure to lock those doors as I went. I had to enter our office through the back door, as the front door had known problems where it wouldn’t fully shut and so we had been advised that day not to enter/exit at night through that door. I headed to the back door and didn’t bother turning on any lights in the darken office. Instead I went to the bathroom and quickly grabbed my things.

As I went to exit, I noticed something strange. The backdoor was open by about 4-5 inches. It hadn’t shut after I entered, which was weird. I exited and tried to shut the door. It would almost shut, but just as it was about make contact with the doorjam it simply…bounced away. I tried over and over again. No dice. I wondered if the keyless entry system we had somehow triggered a deadbolt before it had a chance to actually be in the right position, so I fiddled with my rapidly dying phone. Again, no luck. I then went back on the inside and tried to pull it shut. Nope again.

At this point I’ve been in the office probably 20 minutes. I’m starting to panic. I cannot just leave, so many people left their stuff in the office instead of taking it to the game, not to mention all of our equipment. And the building has had homeless people somehow get in, so even though the building was locked at that moment, that doesn’t mean the office would be fully secure.

So I frantically pull out my laptop and find the master contact list. I try calling our office manager and then our CFO/HR. No luck. I text them “Office Unsecured Please Call!”. I then packed up my laptop again and went back to trying to push pull it shut. CFO calls back after a few minutes, and I try to remain calm as I explain. She gives some suggestions, none work. She then thanks me and say I can go home.

But I don’t, I’m freaking out and feel obligated to figure it out. I wander the building looking for anyone from the cleaning crew or building management is there that could help. I’m completely alone in the building. Its getting late. I seriously consider sleeping on the couch to stand guard, but realized how weird that was as well as I’d make a shitty guard if I fell asleep. (Plus Tessa my dog would be pissed at me being home alone.) Frantically I try to text the co-workers I was supposed to meet, in a desperate attempt to see if anyone could come join me in this fruitless quest to see if they had a way to fix it. No dice there.

I think its a problem with the deadbolt or the swinging arm at the top and try to push pull on those, but find everything is greased and now my hands are all messy. Back to the bathroom to clean up. I’m defeated. Inspiration strikes and I decide I’ll try to tie the door to something so at least it cannot be opened easily. But we have no string or rope. The Flower Leis we had from today’s hawaiian themed bridal shower? No I realize. Its easily broken plastic. After searching the office the only thing I can think of is using a mac power cord.

So I proceed to tie the cord to the handle, and then try to figure out what I can tie it to. The VP of Sale’s desk? No to far. the small metal power thing that makes the door lock work…no likely not structurally sound. The desk in the nearby conference room? Again too far. I end up deciding to rap it around the sliding glass conference room’s handles. I try the inside handle first, but it slides weirdly, so have to redo it to the outside handle. This seems to work pretty well and I loop it back and forth.

Right before I leave I write a note saying the door was broken and slipped it and stuck the post it note on the other side. I then go out the 2nd floor door and out into the night. I wait for the last bus of the night and message office manager and CFO that I had “lassoed” (I forgot the word for tethered or tied) the door with a power cord. CFO thanked me and asked how I was getting home. I was like “Oh no, I’m fine. I’m not drunk, which is why this situation is exponentially worse.” I also message my co-workers saying I wasn’t going to make it to the after party.

I get home around midnight, and email my boss letting him know what happened and that after such a long day at the office (both intended and “the door” fiasco) that I’d work from home the next day. I go to sleep. I wake up a few hours later completely stressed out.

I had only focused on the top of the door and the part near the handle. I suddenly realized….I never looked down or around the part of the door that is connected to the wall. “What if I had dropped something out of a pocket or my purse, and that was blocking the door?” I remember a story my dad told me of how they would lock dormmates into their rooms by shoving multiple pennies in the door gaps, causing too much pressure to be opened. I did a search of my pockets, my purse, my bags. Nothing missing, not even a penny. But still I am stressed out. “What if I missed something obvious? I never turned on a light, so I couldn’t see the ground well. WHY DIDN’T I TURN ON A LIGHT” I feared I’d be known in the office as the girl who cannot even manage to operate a door.

Thats the funny thing about stress. It continues to build. It was 5 am. “Should I take an uber back to the office? See if I missed something?” I worried that I’d have double the bad luck and mess up the last remaining working door. But then a bigger stress took bloom. I had tethered the door to a glass door. What if someone missed my message, or saw the door was slightly opened and tried to open it anyway? I started to have images of a broken glass door, a broken back door, and our CFO furious at me. I seriously considered taking that uber. For hours I second guessed myself, not able to fall back asleep. So when work started, I was a wreck, no sleep and stressed out.

And I waited. After a bit I asked a co-worker, who I know uses that back door if it was broken. “No why? Do you need me to open it for you?” I then explained about the power cord. “Haha no, someone must have undid it, the door is fine now.” It was fixed!!! But how?

Later I got this email from the office manager: “Just a freak thing with the door. Part of the door stopper got lodged in the door jam. Don fixed it this morning and the door is functioning normal now.”

THE MOTHER FUCKING DOOR STOPPER.

I missed it. The most simple of things. The door stopper must have slipped slightly down. Enough to keep the door slightly open, and cause it to bounce when I tried to shut it. I didn’t ever look down. I never turned on the light. She didn’t say, but I can only assume they simply flicked the door stopper up. Maybe they’ll even tighten it so it’s not so easy for it to slip down. So it’s not so easy that a spazy person will assume the door is broken.

Hours later I remember a few months ago this exact thing happened to me before. I mentioned to a co-worker that the door wasn’t fully shutting, and he went and came back and was like “Oh the doorstop fell down. It’s fixed now.”

And so many co-workers are like “Ah, how are you feeling? Long night? Drank too much? How long were you out with X, Y, Z?” asking why I’m not in the office today. And my answer is No…I was sober but I was a spaz. :(